see. now that what i have done is being exposed (by my own self), i am now being condemned by everyone around me. I AM ENEN. (to those who know about the matter)
like what xuan says is right, i AM a bad friend.
i have never done things that are beneficial to our friendship. all i know is to ruin things and cause endless problems.
for the past four years, there's nothing that i have done in this relationship IS BENEFICIAL, IS POSITIVE. all i do is to PICK FIGHTS WITH EACH OTHER, BITCH AROUND, AND STILL ACT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
posting the thing was already a big taboo. and yet i just went against it and posted it on my OWN ACCORD. nobody has instigated me.
and yet i still had the cheek to tell the person herself that she's the one being insulted, by her OWN GOOD FRIEND.
i do things without thinking. and i just end the matter with 'i dunno, i really didn't mean it.'
yeas, that FUCKING didn't help one bit.
they gave me chances but yet i took them for granted, giving them empty promises that i will change. yea, right. FUCK HELL I WOULD CHANGE THEY SAY. SEE MY PATTERN THEY WILL KNOW.
i have been condemned by all of you now.
true, everything was my fault. i am the root of the problem.
there's no end to my wrongdoings. is there?
and everytime i screw up, i run away and wail for help. and my two angels would come flocking towards my rescue. and yet i didn't even say a word of thanks to them. what kind of friend am i?
oh no, correction. i shouldn't be called a friend. i don't even deserve the label ' accquaintance'.
time and again whenever i am in trouble my two angels would always be there for me. no matter how big the mess i have created, they would always manage to clear up the mess. and the ungrateful me would just pretend that nothing had happened and continue to wreck more havoc for them to fix.
how bad have i become over these four years of friendship with the respective few?
they have now seen the worse of me. the very worse of me.
to them, i'm just like a rotten egg. oh no, correction again. i'm not even fit to be a rotten egg now.
just because of my stupid mistake that i have made, i have entered the devil's lair.
the devil will be coming closer towards me and finish me off.
yet, i'm willing to atone for my own faults.
and i really don't wish to implicate anyone anymore.
but then, where do i start from?
now that i have betrayed everyone's trust on me, what makes you think that by picking up the pieces by myself will change the situation?
i'm not trying to say that i'm not gonna care about the situation anymore.
i do care, cos these friends are important to me. really important.
i can't lose them at all.
but the mess that i've created has already gotten me into deep deep shit.
what's left for me to say?
regretting ain't gonna help me anymore.
crying won't do a thing to the situation.
sorry is all that i can say.
friends turned to enemies overnight.
all because of my stupid mistake.
it's gonna be a tough matter.
♥ Clararararara
18.12.07
18.12.07